


I Used to Love Him

by pinkmaven



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 17:53:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7724107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkmaven/pseuds/pinkmaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sansa is unsure of her feelings towards Jon, and is forced to acknowledge her perplexing emotions towards him. When a winter storm approaches leaving them trapped in his chambers, she has no choice but to be honest with herself and him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Snowflakes

Ah Joffrey Baratheon my prince who was promised, or so I used to think, back when I was a stupid little girl who didn’t know any better. “Little dove one day you will be queen and have lots of little gold haired princes and princesses.” Cersei would say with a bite of contempt in her voice. That thought would once upon a time bring me nothing but happiness and butterflies in my stomach, now only repulses me and my stomach churns in anguish from the aftershocks of what they, the Lannisters, did to my family. Oh what I’d give to have them back, safe and sound in Winterfell with Jon and I.

“Sansa, your dinner is getting cold.” Jon looked at me worriedly as if staring into the abyss.

But I just couldn’t get any words out. He was the prince who was promised, the king in the north, the white wolf, the son of my aunt Lyanna and Rhaegar Targaryen, but he wasn’t my brother.

After finally snapping out of my grief induced trance I flashed him a weak smile, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was still worried about me, I had to nip it in the bud.

“Jon….there are certain things that women go through that can quell the appetite.” I told him reassuringly. Ha! That should get him off my case.

“Oh, alright then…just promise me you’ll have some of my special ginger tea.” He said, turning bright red from my response, and then turning my rouse on me so that I couldn’t get out of putting some sustenance into my body.

“Ok” I responded simply. Adding a warm smile to pacify him.

Jon is not my brother. That’s what mother kept drumming into my head when I tried to look in on his play fights with Robb or Theon. He is a bastard, only a half-brother, lord Baelish would remind me. And now that Jon’s true parentage has been revealed, littlefinger makes it his duty to hiss in my ear like the snake that he is, that Jon will abandon me when he finds a wife. Yes, the king in the north is still unmarried and his aunt Daenerys keeps sending raven after raven, to remind him that it is his duty to ensure the security of the north. But…what about my security.

Lord Roderick Forrester of Ironwrath came into the main hall with his sister Mira, a girl who had faced many of the same horrors I did in Kings Landing. From what I could see she had a sense of humor not unlike Jon’s, dry yet warm and familiar. I guess that’s what made it so easy for him to make a connection with her. Unlike me the former sister, now cousin who paid him dust almost our entire lives. She told stories of her time as a handmaiden to Margaery Tyrell, gods rest her soul. 

I quite like Mira…and Jon seems to like her too.

“Lady Mira, tell us again about your brother Ethan the brave.” Littlefinger implored. He made it his duty to play matchmaker between Jon and Mira, and from my vantage point he was succeeding. After every story of Ironwrath and kings landing, and her other escapades, I could see Jon’s interest peaking. Asking her more questions and even throwing his head back in laughter, something he usually reserved for when the two of us were alone and reminiscing about our childhood in Winterfell. 

I could feel something bubbling under the surface, my hands began to burn and it itched to smack someone across the face. But I like her, I really do, I’m just not sure what’s causing this feeling of inner turmoil all of a sudden. I couldn’t take it anymore excusing myself while I could sense hot tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. If I just make it to my room I’ll be able to settle down in peace and away from…. 

“Sansa” Jon called after me, his voice nipping at my ears like frostbite. Ugh I can’t deal with this right now, must think of an excuse. 

“Jon, you have guests to attend to and I’m feeling under the weather, so go and fulfill your duties and I’ll see you in the morning.” Like the true lady that I was I kept the mask on until he was convinced that I was ok. 

With that he nodded in agreement and headed back to the hall where his future wife was waiting. Soon enough he’d fulfill his other duties by putting a babe in her and I’ll become redundant. My last safe haven was being ripped away from me, so I headed back to my chamber and got under the fur blanket that Jon had graciously given me. It smelled so much like him…..If only it was him.


	2. Frostbite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sansa and Jon get into a heated argument.

Winterfell was blisteringly cold this morning, and a raven from the wall confirmed that a winter storm unlike any other the north has ever seen was on its way, after all winter is here. 

After forcing myself to have breakfast, I went into the godswood not to pray, but to meditate and release all my pent up emotions. This was now my only way of making a spiritual connection with the gods who I have lost so much faith in.

As I sat beneath the great tree with its leaves being fanned by a blast of winter air, my mind began to drift off. I got so worked up the previous evening that I hardly got any sleep. I was so tired, of life, of instability, of men trying to dictate what was best for me. My eyelids began to droop and I could feel the snow accumulating on my cloak, and before I knew it I couldn’t move and my gloves were frozen. In a desperate attempt to call attention to my predicament I tried to scream, but the frost had already accumulated on my lips, making them chapped and painful to move. My eyelids were now glued together by hardening snow and in that moment I didn’t care anymore. If I had to die then I was glad to meet the gods in a place filled with nothing but good memories.

I felt hands all over my body, warm gentle hands. They were picking me up and disrobing me now, placing my body in front of something warm that I assumed was a fire.

I was now being placed on a bed, when my face began to prickle and thaw from the toasty rag that was placed on my forehead. Slipping into unconsciousness, I awoke a while later hazy eyed to a figure crouched next to a dancing flame. My gods it was Jon.

“Sansa, seven hells I thought you were a goner earlier.” He said cautiously. 

Remembering our exchange yesterday, I tried my best to keep my responses short and sweet. Must not let my guard down no matter what.

He came over and sat down on the end of the bed, dark curls, and unmistakably Stark features illuminated by candlelight and the fireplace. 

“I, I don’t know what happened, my body just shut down.” I glanced at him, trying not to make eye contact.

“After I escorted Lady Mira and Lord Roderick to their carriages, I decided to do one last sweep of Winterfell, on approaching the godswood I saw you lying there practically in a cocoon of ice and snow.”

“Your red hair almost completely white from my namesake.So I brought you back to my chamber….because it was the closest place I could find, but now we’re both stuck here.”

“What do you mean stuck?!” My voice grew panicked. And what did he mean by escorting lady Mira and her brother….were they gone? all at once I felt a pang of hope and confusion in my chest.

“The snow has trapped us in here, the doors are completely covered, and it will be hours, maybe even a day, before I can pry them open.” 

“Don’t worry Sansa, I have enough rations in here to get us through a day and a half, and you can have the bed.”

But wouldn’t it be better if we shared it….

My thoughts jumped back to my last thought, was lady Mira gone? and how could I bring myself you discuss this with him, it simply wasn’t my place. I brought my hands to my lips and they were covered in beeswax to help combat the beating that they had gotten from the snow. Jon snow touched my lips, he put beeswax on my lips, and I imagined his fingers running over them and caressing them. 

He inched closer to me on the bed and I felt a jolt of longing, which led me to inquire stupidly where Lady Mira was. 

His eyes grew wild, and I could see him searching for the right words. I’m sure he just doesn’t want to upset me by showing too much excitement at his upcoming betrothal.

“I couldn’t go through with it and sent her and her brother home.” He said with finality.

But why? she was a perfect match and made him laugh.

“WHY!?, with the war for the dawn approaching, you better than anyone else knows the repercussions of having a weak north. You just let one of our best chances for a solidified north go!” He didn’t answer, stoking the fire as my question fell on deaf ears.

My feelings aside, I knew that he was making a big political mistake. But what would possess him to do such a thing?


	3. The Thaw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sansa and Jon reveal all...

I awoke to the howling of winter winds, mimicking the dire wolves we got as children. Jon had assured me that ghost was safe and sound, but I longed for his presence in this moment. 

Jon snow wouldn’t look me in the eye, it’s almost like he was restraining himself from something that wasn’t visible to the naked eye. 

I sat up in bed and let go of any hesitancy I had of striking a conversation with him again. “Jon!” I said sternly. “We must communicate with each other or else what is the point of all of this!?” “Defeating the Boltons will all be in vain if we can’t work out our issues.”

“So I’m going to ask you again, why did you send Lady Mira away?” This time I softened my tone, ensuring that he could hear the sincerity in my voice. He lifted his head from some book he was reading on the greatest warriors in Westerosi history. I should get him a book on how to play politics.

“Sansa….” Jon sighed, releasing his inhibitions in a single breath. Tossing the book aside he charged forward.

“All this stuff is not as simple as you think! There are things I’ve had to grapple with recently that I just can’t bear to release on you.”

He shot me this pleading look, as if willing me to stop.

But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. 

I pushed the covers aside, hair wild and disheveled, with only a shift dress on whose straps refused to stay in place, I looked like I belonged in one of littlefinger’s brothels. 

I saw a glint of shame in his eyes and i’d had enough.

“I used to love him you know….”

“Him?” He inquired, brows furrowed in confusion. 

“Joffrey.”

He stayed quiet, aware that it wasn’t a wise decision to interrupt me at this moment.

“I used to love him when I was a naive girl who had dreams of being queen…of…of….ruling beside a strong, gentle, brave king.”

“I never loved Tyrion, or Robin, or Ramsay, all men who were forced on me, who I had no choice but to submit to.”

“The only man I have ever loved in a romantic way was a monster who would torment me, and killed my father.”

He didn’t try to avoid my gaze this time, instead his gaze was fixated upon mine drinking in every word that was erupting from my mouth.

“But I was wrong about Joffrey, I didn’t love him, I loved the idea of him….but you I love….you I can’t bear to lose.”

There I said it.

Jon was silent for a moment, cautious not to offend me I suppose.

“Sansa” He said weakly. Standing over me forehead to forehead. His hot breath igniting goose pimples over my body.

“I sent her away for you…for us.”

Finally he’s coming clean. 

I listened to him pour his heart out for half an hour about his confusion over his feelings for me, about our chances of a future knowing that the war for the dawn was approaching, and about his hesitation over pursuing anything with me when he had no clue how i’d respond.

He ended by saying, “Tell me Sansa! Tell me you love me, not in the way you loved Robb or Ned, and by the old gods and the new you will be my queen.”

He cupped my face in his warm hands and I simply melted. Of course I love him! He risked everything for me and expected nothing in return, how can I not love him. As for being IN LOVE with him, I am. It was a gradual attraction that I tried to conceal in my forced happiness for him and Lady Mira. I wanted him and now he wanted me too.

Before I knew it our limbs were wrapped around each other and his lips had melted into mine, moving over my body tactfully and with a gentleness I had never felt from any man before.

Outside I could hear the water raging from the melting ice, we’d soon be out of here, and our relationship known to everyone.

After making passionate love, I laid my head on his chest, wanting this beautiful moment to last forever. 

“Where do we go from here Jon?” I said. My voice was dark and husky from the nights events. 

“I don’t know, but nobody knows what will happen from one second to the next. All I know is that no one will ever come between us ever again.” He planted a firm kiss on my forehead, and I knew then that Jon Snow would never let me down.


End file.
